Apr 042013
 

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Roger Ebert passed away this morning, a man who has illuminated my life for decades. I grew up with “Siskel and Ebert At The Movies”, and now they are both gone. Fine men, at least, what I know of them. Perhaps the most lovely part of this loss is how gracefully Roger did it. On Tuesday, he wrote a final post on his blog, where he spoke of “taking a leave of presence”. How prophetic, he must have known. Read it, the final line is such an adorable exit, if you ever saw his TV program.

But even more interesting, Ebert wrote about life and death quite eloquently in one of his books,

I know it is coming, and I do not fear it, because I believe there is nothing on the other side of death to fear. I hope to be spared as much pain as possible on the approach path. I was perfectly content before I was born, and I think of death as the same state. I am grateful for the gifts of intelligence, love, wonder and laughter. You can’t say it wasn’t interesting. My lifetime’s memories are what I have brought home from the trip. I will require them for eternity no more than that little souvenir of the Eiffel Tower I brought home from Paris.

How beautiful, to be in this place. I strive for it, and yet Roger was here well before his passing. Of course, I’m healthy and he was not – there’s nothing like impending death to bring our days into sharp focus – he must have felt his life ending, and he certainly had a pile of projects going! I’m learning how to acknowledge my impermanence, and also my permanence, many times every single day.

It just so happens that I’m learning “The Root Text of the Seven Points of Training of the Mind”, thanks to Lama Palden. This training is pretty much a life-long road map for becoming more conscious, compassionate and enlightened. I love this study, and am slowly adapting the many parts of it into my awareness. There are two little parts that I want to share, part of Point Four, “The Utilization of Practice In One’s Whole Life”.

In life, practice the five strengths.

The Mahayana instructions for the ejection of consciousness at Death is the five strengths: how you conduct yourself is important.

Of course, this is why we have lamas, so that we can understand what these brief instructions mean. One of the strengths is ‘repudiation’. My notes say this about repudiation in life:

Let go of ego-clinging. We are not the most important thing in the universe. Samsara (suffering) is a state of mind. Feel how tired we are of suffering, and our desire for awakening.

And in death:

Repudiation of our body and body sensations, release the relative ground of the body to find the ultimate ground. We let go of identifying with the body, and the body sensations. We step back a bit from the ground that our body has provided, so that we can find the ultimate ground, the awareness and peace and love our practices have prepared us for. Recognize that no one has died, no one was born. Let go that anyone is dying.

It sounds so simple, but of course, none of this is easy, or familiar. That’s why we call it ‘practice’. In vajrayana, reincarnation isn’t just an idea or concept, it is the basis for all of our actions and thought, what we say, what we do, how we think. To fully believe in reincarnation, I have to start to look at my life the way that Roger did. This life is ultimately like a trip to France, a set of memories and experiences that I will carry forward after my body is gone.

So I’m contemplating the ejection of consciousness at death, in order to inject more consciousness into my life. Thank you, Roger, for the gift of all you shared with us. You inspire me.

 Posted by at 6:53 pm
Mar 132013
 

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I’m embarking on a new adventure, acquiring a vehicle that I’ve fantasized about for decades. A VW Westfalia camper. This has deep psychological implications, and I am indeed smiling away as I write about this. I have always loved the idea of having one, being able to take off on short notice to camp somewhere, anywhere really, without reservations or arrangements or permits. Something appeals deeply about being self-contained in a tidy mobile package.

In typical fashion, this has been a research project, which started a month ago. It all began when Jen and I got tickets to Burning Man this year, tickets which I may not be able to use because of a schedule conflict. However, we immediately started talking about how we could go there, how we would camp, and I mentioned my long-term love of Westfalias. It turns out to be a shared love, and we were off. I, being the geek that I am, immediately turned to the internet, and quickly flushed the two major sites for afficionados of the breed. There is a subculture of “westy” fans (born in the ’60’s), and just a few shops and websites that specialize in them. In case you don’t know, Westy’s have built in storage, sink, stove and refrigerator, with propane and water tanks, external power connectors, and a rear seat that folds down into a respectable bed. The top has a skylight, and pops up to create an upper sleeping area for two more people.

(If you want to share the geekyness, check out theSamba.com, GoWesty.com, and the BusLab in Berkeley, CA)

There are good years and not-so-good years for the Vanagon, upgrades available for engines, headlights, instruments, wheels, storage, electrical power, solar power, air conditioning…the list is endless, born of the passion that these people have embodied ever since the first 36-horsepower anemic air-cooled VW bus brought flower children across the country. We settled on a 1985-1991 Vanagon Westy, because it has good ground clearance, some personality (the newer Eurovans look like delivery vehicles) and functioning heating, refrigerator, and air conditioning. We both want one with a manual transmission, AC, a recent engine rebuild, and preferably white in color.

I found nice vans in Albuquerque, NM, Ketchem, ID, British Colombia, Dallas, TX, Half Moon Bay, CA, northern Washington, Georgia, right next door in Novato, and finally, the girl you see in the photo, who lives in Vancouver, WA. “Mz. Parker” has had a heart transplant, what is called a “Tiico conversion”, which installs a VW Jetta 4-cylinder motor instead of the somewhat flakey water-cooled boxer motor. Tiico is now defunct, but their work lives on, boosting power, reliability, durability and the mileage significantly. Her motor has 24K miles, her transmission was rebuilt 12K miles ago, there are upgrades to instruments, lighting, air conditioning and wheels. Plus she was repainted about 8 years ago, and is white with tinted windows. Plus a Yakima rack on top.

The CarFax report on her is interesting. She was titled in Indiana in 1988, then apparently ran into a train in Florida (!) a few months later. Obviously there wasn’t significant damage, as she has a clean title, but you’ve got to wonder what the story is behind that event. She came to Washington in 2003 with 150K miles on the odometer, changed owners in 2008, and is now about to land in our laps with 192K on the clock.

So we are off on an adventure, flying to Portland Saturday morning with sleeping bags, some tools, and a change of clothes. The plan is to visit my stepmom in Vancouver, and make it home by Sunday evening. I am excited and happy, both about the van and the adventure itself.

On a deeper level, this means a major change is happening in my vehicle collection. I will be selling Roy, my trusty Ford F150 work truck, for which I have been very grateful as he helped us build our house, then helped me move Nancy’s stuff out into the world. I also expect to sell Britt, my British Racing Green Mini Cooper. This will leave me with a BMW car, two BMW motorcycles, and Mz. Parker, all nice German technology, right where my heart is. I am, after all, an Engineer.

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 Posted by at 4:06 pm
Feb 232013
 

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With a burst of nice weather, after rain earlier in the week, I have a responsibility. It’s even a savage pleasure. I get to rip thousands of scotch broom plants out of my back yard. You can see the results. Piles of dead broom in the foreground, a clear view of the forest to the right, and an ocean of the pernicious weeds to the left. I’ve cleared about half of the yard this winter.

There is data, and then there is feeling. The data is…this is a big fire hazard, and as you can see, it’s hard to see the forest for the, uh, weeds. The right side is lovely, the left side annoying. When Nancy and I bought this property, this weed field was 8 feet high, and we couldn’t see the trees at all until we fought our way through. We pulled them, thousands of them. And then, I neglected to come back and pull them again. My mistake. The good news is, they are not hard to yank after a rain, and we got a good bit earlier this week. So it’s prime time to strike. The problem will be less and less each year, if I am diligent.

The feeling is edgy. Grrr, I cheerfully kill hundreds and thousands of these, pulling them with gloves and sometimes with tools. When I’m in the flow, it’s a meditative experience, totally focused and present, feeling my body work and feeling the resistance of these plants as they grip the earth so firmly. I now sit in my kitchen, feeling a deep satisfaction after pushing the edge back another ten feet. So much of the learning in my life happens when I can hold several things in my awareness at the same time. Today, it’s “savage satisfaction”, “meditative destruction”, my vow to not kill, and the beautiful esthetic and health of an open forest.

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Here is the view from above, the upper roof deck of my home, with covered outdoor furniture, and the wild oak forest above. All of the scotch broom on the right side will be gone by May, that is my solemn commitment.

There are precious discoveries as I meditatively destruct the weeds. I found baby oaks and bays, precious trees coming up with only a few leaves. With the scotch broom gone, they will get sun, and with a little assistance from me — perhaps a strategic watering if we have no rain for a month — they will help the forest continue. And the forest needs help: I’ve lost two oaks to Sudden Oak Death since buying this property, and my neighbor’s beautiful heritage oak tree on the south side of my house also succumbed. I’m the steward of a bit of Marin, a half-acre of hillside, with foxes and turkeys and all the usual varmints. I want to keep it healthy.

 Posted by at 3:31 pm
Jan 222013
 
pleasantville

I had the pleasure of watching the movie “Pleasantville” tonight, and enjoyed the delightful irony and illumination that the movie offers for our times. As the characters step into their own shadow, color fills the space. At first, it’s the light: knowledge, affection, love. Then it’s lust, violence, anger, and finally love again. Such beautiful [...]

 Posted by at 11:11 pm
Dec 212012
 
first loop around the sun

I’ve been continuing to reflect on the last year, re-reading my blog postings from a year ago as Nancy and I navigated her hospitalization.  Early last December, we realized that she would not survive, and a year ago this afternoon, she decided to stop medical treatment. She passed away early the following morning, so tomorrow [...]

 Posted by at 7:04 am
Dec 042012
 
remembering the mozart wait

Since late October, I’ve been re-living the same time last year, the final fifty-six days of Nancy’s life, in the ICU at UCSF. When I went through the experience, I just had to show up each day, fully present, in the parts of me that could function while seeing my beloved on full life support, [...]

 Posted by at 7:51 am
Nov 152012
 
not eighteen any more

Welcome to my world, the practice room where I am (mostly) spending an hour each morning. Here is the view from my zafu (meditation cushion), as I begin. From foreground to the back, you are looking at: knee pads, a small rolled towel for my forehead as I prostrate, a small glass of almonds for [...]

 Posted by at 2:02 pm
Nov 032012
 
just you and me, hubble

I’ve been living for many years in a multi-cat household, and it’s been a delightful part of my life. My first wife and I had several cats through our many years together, then Nancy and I got a pair of black kittens early in our relationship. Edwin P. Hubble and Subramanian Chandrasekhar, named for two [...]

 Posted by at 5:50 pm
Oct 252012
 
preliminary steps

A hundred thousand repetitions of anything is daunting, when we look at the whole thing like a goal. There are a series of ‘things’ like this that I’ll be doing in the next few years, the preliminary practices, and I can really freak myself out by imagining the entirety of them, nearly a half million [...]

Oct 102012
 
phenomena

An unexpected evening alone at home, and I’m filling it. It’s so interesting to watch what I do, I’m pretty highly directed inside. Give a co-worker a lift home to SF, with a little side tour of where I grew up Pick up groceries, a roast, shiitake mushrooms and golden beets Make my first stew [...]

 Posted by at 9:18 pm