So, it’s been six months. Fitting time to look at me and my life, and see what has changed, what is evolving, what I’m learning. A lot is shifting in me.
- I am wrestling with living alone…it hasn’t been easy to get used to solitude.
- I miss the hell out of my wife, and still cry nearly every day.
- I don’t miss the hard parts of our relationship, in fact, the bitter truth is I’m kind of relieved.
- I love (and am a little frightened by) my new life.
- My grief has opened me to new levels of awareness, inner strength, and an ability to “be present”.
- I’m preparing to enter a deeper spiritual practice.
- I am no longer afraid of dying. I know there is something profound on the other side.
- I am dating a woman who is kind, loving, independent, and not looking to define us, or to create premature commitment.
I’ve been attending classes at Sukhasiddhi for about four years, off and on, and through some mystical process, I seem to be getting inevitably deeper in my studies. First, the sangha had to leave their location in San Rafael, and after floating around for a year, ended up moving into a space in Fairfax, walking distance from my home. Then there was all the astounding contact with Nancy after she passed away, opening my faith to a deeper level I could never have imagined a year ago. A couple of months ago, I joined the board of directors of the sangha. And now they are offering a two-year program, the beginning of six-years of daily practice similar to what a lama undergoes during their training.
I’m finding this almost irresistible. Living alone, I have the opportunity to shift my schedule to take on the daily meditation and chanting and other practices that this training requires. The first two years apparently will require the most devotion and effort.
So I had a meeting with Lama Palden a few days ago. As far as the training is concerned, it seems that it’s pretty much up to me. If I can take on the practice, I can achieve ‘realization’, perhaps of my deepest purpose and desire. The program that is ahead of me seems to be just what I want to bring into my life at this time.
I’m wondering what happened to free will. My existence seems to have taken on a life of it’s own, where mentoring and kindness and reflection are appearing in just the manner, in just the perfect timing, to support and solidify me as I move into a new life. When the universe offers gifts, one can only bow and accept and feel grateful.