mush ball day

Some days are just emotional, and today is just such a day. It’s my birthday, and the rain of well-wishes from friends and co-workers has been steady and lovely. One of the Russian Goddesses who Secretly Run Engineering here brought me flowers this morning, and thus I have the pleasure of a split brain experience, as you can see in this picture of my desk. Hard core computation and graphing and Unix commands on the right, loveliness on the left. Much like the way my brain is apparently structured.

The little corner item behind the flowers is worth a comment. It’s my Nancy Altar at work. The card is signed by all the engineers I work with, and was sent to me when they found out she passed away in December. I treasure it. In front, a small carved crystal buddha, sitting on a tin of rare tea, and looped around them is the meditation mala (like a buddhist rosary) that I received when I took refuge in the Buddha a few weeks ago. I thought about having a picture of her, but it would be too much for me, even now. I can’t look at her photos without getting teary.

Or listen to a lot of music, apparently. I let the CD changer in my car do random plays this morning, and the One Song, the Song That Breaks My Heart, came on. I had to listen to it — I’ve been avoiding it for weeks — and I’ve been on the verge of tears ever since. Makes it hard to do hardcore performance data analysis. Here are some of the lyrics, and you can hear the song on ReverbNation, if you wish.

I Found a Heart, by Houston Jones (written by Travis Jones, 2010)

I found a heart that was almost broken, it was almost broken, it was torn at the seams.

I gave it love and it came back together, make everything better,

If you know what I mean.

I made her a promise we would stay together, it felt light as a feather, not a shadow of a doubt.

We had dreams that were full of forever, full of forever, within and without.

I built her a home that was warm and cozy, far from the city, with spaces in between.

It kept us warm when the cold wind was blowin’, with wintertime a stormin’,

If you know what I mean.

I lost her love on a night in December, in the dead of winter with no stars in the sky.

Without a word she was gone forever, she was gone forever….

Now I’ve got a heart that is almost broken, with memories unspoken, and full of empty dreams.

I’ve got a heart that is almost broken,

Won’t be put back together

Won’t be warm and cozy.

Now its lost its forever….if you know what I mean.

Damn, that hurts. And yet, today is filled with beauty and promise. My heart is full with all the birthday greetings, I’m looking forward to dinner with the woman I’ve been dating, whom I treasure. I have much to be grateful for, as I enter my next year.